Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
