I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
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I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
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Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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