if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
