Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
