My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
