i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
