Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
