The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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