All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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