You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
