I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
