Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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