saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
