Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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