I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
