Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
