i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
