i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
