i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
