wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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