i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
