you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
