Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
