i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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