I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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