Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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