totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
