If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
