thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
that's an acceptable place to lick
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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