The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
