The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
