she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
