i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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