I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
