thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
