I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
