yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
