She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.