i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.