In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
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When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
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After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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