im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
