Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
