we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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