when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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