There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
