I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
