highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We need to get me chipped asap
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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