is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
is wine microwaveable?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
