You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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