its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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