I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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