I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
