Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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