So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I need water and some morals
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
